Being vegan today is easier than ever. At least in most parts of Europe and the U.S. Besides the ready, easy, inexpensive year-round access to vegetables, nuts and legumes, there are plenty of junk food and analogs. Analogs are those foods that are still vegan but look, and sometimes even taste, like their meat counterparts. Chicken nuggets, chicken fillets, meatballs, ice cream, even fish! (If you like Van de Kamp's fish fillets then you will like the vegan substitute by Gardein). I'm not saying these things are good for you. Far from it. I think these analogs are just junk food in a vegan suit. But they are there and for those who are new to the wonderful world of veganism, they can be the difference between someone eating animals or not eating them. Add to all of this the fact that more and more restaurants and major chains are providing vegan options, how could the world get any better?!
So you think that would be the end of it. Veganism, a plant-based diet or a kind-diet (slightly different ideologies behind each, but all have the same results - less animals being killed) is easy and therefore there is no reason to turn back. But that isn't the end of it. As it turns out there are influences in our life that will challenge everything and anything we believe. Some of those influences may make following our convictions and ideologies very, very difficult and sometimes even impossible. One of those "influences" came knocking on my door a little over a year ago. Depression.
I am technically bipolar II. But I've been able to deal with it most of my life because it visited so rarely. At least the full blown effects stayed at bay most of the time. And when they did hit I had no idea what they were. So I just muscled through. It was life. Everyone experienced life this way. I was just being a wimp. I'll just pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on. Onward and upward!
Until I couldn't.
I entered into a period of depression that was the worse I had ever experienced. It was so bad I was having problems performing basic functions. Walking took herculean effort. The things I once loved meant nothing to me. I longed to go to bed and I dreaded waking up. I had a family to support so I couldn't stop. Killing myself wasn't an option even though suicidal ideation was a frequent visitor. I found myself wishing someone would run me over. Then it wouldn't be my fault and I could be rid of the mental anguish I was feeling. Life sucked.
It was about this time that I changed my diet from vegan to vegetarian. I simply didn't care much. I still had enough conviction to not start eating animals, but eggs and dairy were back on the menu. It freed me up to not have to think so hard about it. When I went out to eat, or work ordered food, I didn't have to ask any questions. I didn't have to think about how I was going to eat vegan in a predominantly meat-eating environment. It didn't help my depression. In fact, it may have made it worse as I cut across the grain of my convictions. But it required less effort and less thought and that was good enough for me.
Thank God! I didn't start eating meat. I don't hate myself for what I did eat. And I am not sure, under the circumstances, I could have made any other decision. But I certainly won't be as quick to judge others for their decisions without knowing more about what they are going through.
I am back on medication and things are looking better. I'm starting to slough off the non-vegan foods and ease my way back into the kind eating lifestyle I once loved. But it has been a long road and I am sure the journey has a few more bumps in store for me.
Influences. You never really know what they are or how they will affect you until they happen. The "I will never" and "Not me" mentality is good but perhaps premature. All we can do is stand by our convictions as strongly as we can and, when we fall get back up, dust ourselves off, and have another go at it. As for me, you will get no judgement here. I've been where you are and we are in this together.
