Doubt

Sometimes a person comes along who holds a set of beliefs or convictions which they never doubt.  They always move forward, always stand strong, never question, never waver. They are a rock.  I am not one of those people.  In fact, if we were all going to take a few minutes and play the honesty game, you might admit you are not one of those people either.

But that’s ok!  It really is.  Only in a society defined by media sound bites, whitewashed, sterilized social media exploits and in possession of an overly simplistic view of the world do we condemn thoughtful and valiant struggles with doubt. No one can respect someone who waffles between views or always seems to be “loosing their religion” for the next thing out there.  Being open-minded is one thing; being so open-minded that your brain is always falling out is another.  I suspect somewhere between unquestioning loyalty to one’s convictions and being a Marvin milk toast is the spectrum most mere mortals reside.  The place where convictions are held, questioned, doubted and reaffirmed or changed on a fairly continual cycle.  Perhaps this cycle is very slow moving or only repeats itself once or twice, but it is there.  It may spin more quickly at the birth of a conviction or after a crises of faith or perhaps after a long period of unwavering and steadfast belief.  But for most of us that cycle is there and doubt does show its head eventually if not regularly.

I inherently distrust someone who tells me he or she never doubts their convictions.  I find myself wondering if the person either doesn’t truly understand what he believes or, at least, thought hard and deep about it.  It is like talking to someone who claims to love the desert and when asked what they think about snow, forests and the ocean they wave their hand and dismissively say, “I’ve never seen or heard about such things and I don’t care”.  I’m not saying you have to experience everything in order to determine you love or hate it, but you should at least know why you love what you do and not love what you don’t.  I can say I would hate to be divorced and that I love being married without ever being divorced by understanding, at a bare minimum, that I wouldn’t like to be not-married.  In other words, I have put some effort into thinking about the matter and some of that thinking came as a direct result of struggle through my marriage (Let me make it clear that my wife and I have never  come close to getting a divorce or even separating.  But we have had our share of struggles that caused me to doubt the permanency of our relationship and consider what would happen if my wife left me.  She never did and, I dare say, never would, but that assurance only comes as a byproduct of my - not my wife’s - struggle through the doubts while at the same time not giving up on the reality of our commitment to one another).

Sometimes I have doubted my stand concerning veganism. Certain convictions drive my vegan lifestyle.  The conviction that animals are more than just consumable “things”.   The conviction that one person can make a difference.  The conviction that even if one person can’t make a difference to anyone else, it can make a difference to me and that matters.  The conviction that, even though my religion (another conviction) may allow for the killing of animals and even commanded it it at one time - albeit no longer, we can make a choice to not harm animals and that is a good, honorable and holy thing.

But sometimes I doubt.

My first response to doubt is typically panic.  How could I even be thinking of doubting my convictions?   But the worse thing we can do is ignore the doubt.  Dismissing doubt as non-consequential isn’t strength but weakness.  It takes strength to look doubt in the face and put up a fight.  Sometimes doubt leads to change and that can be good in some causes.  We certainly want a potential murderer to doubt whether murder is a good idea and, as a result of the doubt, change his mind.  But even in cases where change is needed fighting is a good thing. If we never listened to our doubt we would never change when it was important we do so and we would never have the opportunity to grow stronger in our convictions in the same way a fighter grows stronger every time he faces an opponent. On the other hand If we changed every time we had doubt we would never stand up for anything.

Every time I have doubted my convictions for becoming and remaining vegan I have had to think hard about why I am vegan (this is where the fight begins).  I have had to reexamine my position, rehash old arguments, read articles (both old and new) and talk things over with friends.  In each and every case I have finished the fight against my doubt not, in this case, changing my convictions but having my convictions strengthened.  I have shored up areas of compromise and even learned a few new arguments in favor of being vegan.

At one time I wished I could tell people I never doubted.  But now see things differently.  I see it as a badge of honor.  I see doubt as a battle scar that tells others and myself that I have fought the good fight, I’ve met the opponent and I was victorious. So embrace the doubt.  Don’t see it as a threat but  rather a check to your convictions.  Either you use the doubt to help you strengthen your convictions or you use the doubt to change your convictions.  Either way, if you fight thoughtfully and deeply, you will win.